Weigh-in #3!

Last night was my 3rd weigh-in at New Directions. I had lost 0.6 pounds (so, not a TOTAL wash) for a total of 10.6 in 3 weeks. My blood pressure was even better than last week, clocking in at 130/68. I'm a BIG fan of that number, and so are the professionals at my program. No need to go back on blood pressure medication with that reading. :)

There was only one negative from the week--I didn't get the scale result for which I had hoped. That's a very small negative when I consider the positives. First, the obvious, the blood pressure reading. I am so very grateful to have that number back in a "non-danger" range. VERY grateful. Second, through my meticulous diet journal-keeping, the dietician at New Directions and I were able to determine that I had been calculating my carbohydrates wrong. At New Directions, we are allowed to add up the grams of fiber and grams of sugar alcohols and subtract that from the total carbohydrate count (with some rules, but I won't bore you with those). Turns out, I wasn't just deducting the sugar alcohols, I was deducting the SUGAR. Whoops. Can't deduct the sugar, just the sugar alcohols. Knowing that little piece of information, I probably spent most of my week last week out of ketosis. Add that to the fact that I had just lost 10 pounds in the previous 2 weeks and you have the recipe for why my weight loss was so small this week. Boo yah! I can fix that!

The third positive was our program class yesterday evening. I am convinced that Liz, the program manager and the "behavioral" specialist, is the diet guru to end all gurus. She has so much insight into human thought processes and behavior, it's scary. And I've learned so much about myself in the time I've been in the program--both the previous time I did the program and in these three weeks. Yesterday's class was about moving from "force" to "power." Let me explain. When you're first starting a weight loss program, a lot of what you are doing is forced. You're not used to it, it's out of the ordinary for you, it's not routine. You may be empowered, but there's not a lot of power behind what you're doing. Using our levels of consciousness and awareness, we can move from forcing ourselves to do something to having the power to just do it. I've thought about that quite a bit today. This past week, some of the struggles I had seemed like pulling teeth. I had a physical YEARNING for the tempting food that was around my house. Even something as simple as making the boys a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch was just painful. Physically painful. I had to tell my brain to tell my hands to keep them the hell off the cut-off crust, that's how bad I wanted to eat that bread and peanut butter. But really, if you think about it, my SUB-CONSCIOUS wasn't hearing "you can't have that, you aren't allowed," it was hearing, "I want, gimme, gimme, you're not letting me have it." The key is to move behind the "you can't have that," to "you don't WANT that."

So, even though I wanted to keep my two goals of 1) sticking to 800-900 calories per day and 2) exercise 3x this week, I'm adding a 3rd goal:

I will, as of this moment, stop telling myself that I "can't have" something. I am a person of free will and I can have anything I choose. But right now, I am CHOOSING to not eat that. It's a choice I am making of my own free will and power. I don't want it and I will not want it. I choose to say no.

Yeah, that's why I said I wasn't going to do that.

Piss. Crap, crap, and more piss.

I just got on my scales. Yes, I know, I said I wasn't going to weigh myself during the week. But I had a moment of weakness and just wanted to check my progress. I was hoping for great results seeing as how I'd felt like butt all week and had worked really hard to stay on program.

Nothing. Zip, nada. Haven't even lost an ounce this week.

WHAT.THE.HELL?!?!?!?!?

I'm not really sure why I'm letting this bother me. I've been on program 100% and that's all I have control over. I cannot control whether the scales move--I can only control what I can do in an attempt to make them move. I tell myself all of those things and yet I'm still completely annoyed with the number on my scale.

Time to give Paul the go-ahead to hide the darn thing.

Kicking old habits to the curb

I have this funky upset stomach, lethargy, and "blues" thing going on. I'm pretty sure it's all hormonal and that I probably need to touch bases with my OB/GYN, but whatever. Guess I'll bring it up at my annual.

Anyhow, this funky stomach/lethargy/depression thing has hit me in the middle of the month for the past 3 months now. I honestly think this is where I've gained most of my weight. The worse I feel, the more I don't want to cook at home. The more I don't want to cook at home, the more fast food we eat in the house. Well.....not anymore, damn it. I'm stopping that vicious cycle. I'm tired of taking the easy path by eating food that will only make me feel better for as long as it's it my mouth. As soon as that "food" (and I use that term liberally, because this is FAST FOOD we're talking about here) hits my guts, the "high" I had from it being in my mouth is gone. And I'm tired of having the Scarlett O'Hara "screw it, I'll deal with it tomorrow" attitude. Tomorrow is today. None of us are guaranteed another day on this Earth.

I'm winning these battles with myself right now and it feels good. I just have to keep doing it until new habits are formed! I'm hanging on, I'm powering through. Lord, please, lay your hand upon me. Help me to pull through these moments and be the best person I can be for your glory. Help me to be strong and courageous.

Weigh in #2!

Today was weigh-in day at New Directions. I was down 4.8 pounds for a total of 10 pounds since starting the program. My blood pressure was MUCH improved--132/74. I'll take that number any day of the week!

Obviously I'm really happy with all of those numbers. Just have to keep this party going!

Just 200 calories makes all the difference

I remember being told last year when I started New Directions that the program was designed to be 800-900 calories per day. Coming from a person who was probably eating 2500-3000 calories per day (just a guess), I thought I was going to die going down to that number. Okay, so not literally, but you get the picture. I was told that by reducing calories to 800-900 per day and carbohydrates to 40-50g per day (a ketogenic diet), I could expect to lose an average of 3-5 pounds per week. (Again, people, don't you dare try this without being under medical supervision--it's dangerous without being medically supervised.) I was also told that even 200 calories over the 800-900 per day could significantly reduce that weight loss rate.

Bless my lucky stars. That's not all that 200 calorie deficit does. My first goal for the week was to drop from the 1000 calories I've been eating daily down to the 800-900 the program calls for. And holy hell, I am STARVING today. I'm sure this is normal and everything will calm down after a few days, but yeah. Those 200 calories made all the difference. I'm not craving anything in particular right now, but I definitely have that uncomfortable "empty" feeling in my belly. I just keep telling myself that it's all worth it in the end. I'm strong. I can do this. I weigh in tomorrow. Lower numbers on that scale are worth all the sacrifice.

I feel like I'm in a reality TV show called "Extreme Dieting." This stuff is hard core.

Reflecting on the week

Resisting temptation. That's been my major accomplishment of this week. Paul and the boys have eaten all sorts of things this week that are off limits to me, and I've managed to stay away from ALL of them. Not even a nibble. I've been on program completely since the day I started--not wavering for even a second. Has it been hard? Oh yeah, and frankly, it's not getting any easier. It just is what it is. Maybe someday it will be easier, I don't know. One thing it is doing, however, is making me stronger in my resolve. With each time that passes that I conquer my cravings and desires, I grow more confident in knowing that I can do this. I AM doing it!

My goals for the upcoming week:

1) Get calories between 800-900 every day. That's what the program says, and I haven't quite made it there yet. How am I going to do this? PLAN AHEAD. If I have higher calorie snacks throughout the day, dinner gets a calorie reduction. It becomes a 200 calorie or less meal.

Supplement 1 = 200 calories
Snack 1 = 100 calories (appx)
Supplement 2= 200 calories
Snack 2 = 100 calories (appx)
Dinner = 200 calories (appx)
If needed, evening snack = veggies or sugar-free Jello.

Total = 800-900 calories.

2) Exercise at least 3x this coming week!

A summertime goal

Paul and the kids got take-out lunch today. It wasn't an unhealthy take-out lunch for any of them, it just wasn't a lunch I could eat. The boys were crazy hungry, we were on our way back from picking up the van (I had a minor encounter with our garage on January 11th), and I hadn't had a chance to make them lunch. Take out it was. As I was feeding them a few bites in the car to keep them calm, I was holding this pile of food that could have derailed my entire program. One "nibble" could have sent me spiraling into something major. But....it didn't. Even though I thought about it (and thought about it hard), I resisted. My goals are more important right now. And holy crap....that was hard. I was so hungry and totally could have made a bad decision. But....I didn't. And I'm proud. :)

Watching the Australian Open, I realized a goal I want to reach this summer. I want to get back on the tennis court. I want to be a decent weight so that I can move around the court and feel good about my level of play. I haven't been there for a while. Recently, any time I've gone out and played, I've been half-assing it. I can't run down balls the way I did when I weighed 100 pounds less, and I'm terrified I'm going to jack up my right knee (it's always given me trouble). But get 80 pounds off by the middle of the summer and oh yeah, I'll be ready to get out there competitively again. Eastlake Athletic Club in Elkhart has 3.5-4.0 leagues, even a traveling team. I would kill to be able to do that again.

That's it, settled. When I get this weight off, I'm joining the fall leagues at Eastlake.

Yep, it's getting harder.

Like I said, it's getting harder. The newness is wearing off, the cravings are setting in. I made the boys some biscuits this morning (a Samuel fav), and I think I could have eaten the whole package myself. Seriously. And I'm not even a biscuit person.

So, what did I do to cope? I called my mother. I prayed. Then I went to pick up Sam from preschool and with both kiddos in tow (a workout in itself), I went to Best Buy and bought a beginner yoga set and yoga DVD. We came home, the boys took a nap, and I did the "flow" section of the yoga DVD. I'm trying. Really, really, really, hard.

This might sound strange, but when I used to eat carbs, specifically gluten, I felt more "full." I now realize this "fullness" was an uncomfortable full and not what the normal person experiences after eating a meal. That being said, it was my "normal" and what I was used to. Now, as I've finished my supplements and meals, I've been satisfied, but no more. No fullness. The hard part? I actually long for that old "normal" again. Let me rephrase. My brain longs to feel that fullness again. My body is now doing what it's supposed to be doing, and is happier as a result. But my brain hasn't caught up with my body yet.

I'm fighting the good fight, God! Please keep giving me the strength I need!

The newness is wearing off

Today was the first day that the "newness" of being on the program has worn off. I made oatmeal for the boys for dinner, and I could have dived into it face first. It took a great deal of self talk to stay out of it, and I'm not sure why. I kept my goals in mind and moved forward, eating my eggs and Canadian bacon. It's funny, though, I wanted that oatmeal and didn't eat it and (begrudgingly) ate my eggs--and the rest of the night, I was SO friggen hungry! It's like I had talked my eggs into not being satisfying because I wanted to eat something else. Weird. I am celebrating the fact that I didn't eat the contents of my kitchen after dinner, despite my desires. I ate more calories for my day than I'm supposed to, but I kept it low-carb and stayed in ketosis. Day 8, in the books.

I know I'm supposed to take weight loss one day at a time, especially considering the amount I have to lose--but I have to admit, sometimes facing a future of calorie/carb counting and constantly facing down temptation is both terrifying and exhausting.

Oh, and happy 38th anniversary to my wonderful parents!

Water

SO TIRED this morning. And sore. Thank you, New Directions yoga class.

I totally fell asleep sitting up with Elijah watching Toy Story 3 this morning. Mother of the Year right here, baby. It's 10:20pm right now and I swear, I'm going to bed. Another day on program in the books.

I kept my calories under 1000 today and I'm proud of myself for that. It's easier to do if I keep my dinner smaller/low-calorie. Those NY Strip steaks, while healthy, are calorie killers if I'm to stay between 800-900 calories. Yes, I know, that's very low. But I'm being monitored very closely. While we're on that subject, please, for all that is good and holy, DO NOT attempt to do a very-low calorie diet without consulting your doctor. Now that I sound like a lawyer, on to the next thing....

I want to go back to drinking the gallon+ of water that I was drinking, but honestly, I think I'm more hungry when I'm drinking that much water! I know it sounds weird, but hey, it's me. Today was a great non-hunger day for me. I was able to stretch snacks/meals into 3.5-4 hours apart versus the 2 I had been doing. I can't explain the water thing. I still got in 74oz today, so I'm definitely meeting my "quota."

Time for bed. Since energy for exercise is directly tied to the amount of sleep I get, I'm going force myself to start going to bed earlier as part of this whole "take care of Carlyn" movement.

A bigger test and a reality check

I have a praise for myself today. I bought the kiddos McDonalds for lunch and didn't get myself anything except the diet coke that came with the meal. I didn't even have a nibble of the chicken nuggets or fries. Sam even tried to give me some, bless his little heart. He said, "Mama, are you hungry? Here, have one of my fries." What an angel. Anyways, I stuck to the plan, drank the diet coke, and ate my greek yogurt and almonds like a good girl. Program-wise, I probably shouldn't have eaten the almonds and yogurt together (they like us to split up the calories and spread out bigger snacks), but it was still better than eating the kids' McDonalds!

Tonight was my first weigh-in. I was down 5.2 pounds since January 11th. That's a great feeling! My not so great news is that my blood pressure is crazy cakes high. 155/91 today. What.the.heck. I was relaxed and calm before I went in there, too. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting that at all. Just another thing to further my resolve to make this time be the last time. Not sure how much longer I'll be on this earth with a blood pressure like that. Not trying to be morose, it's just reality.

I saw a picture of a guy that was in my previous class from last year. He was close to my parents' age and we had become buddies before I quit going. He was well on his way to being close to his goal weight before I dropped out, but I got to see his "final" picture. He lost 105 pounds and looked absolutely amazing. So happy for him. He was having so many knee problems, too. I bet he's doing great now. Also, I got to see one of the pediatricians from the boys' doctors' office. She started the program 5 months after I did last year, but she's stuck with it. She's lost so much weight, I hardly recognized her.

That could have been me. Well, this time, it's going to be.

I do love my husband. Promise.

Paul pulled a cheesecake out of the freezer today. SERIOUSLY, honey?!? While I'm on my period? While I'm busting my butt to stay in ketosis? Alright, alright, not everything revolves around me. Just because I chose this diet does not mean that Paul can't have his cheesecake. And actually, it wasn't that bad. Did I want some of that cheesecake? You bet your ass. Besides, I bought it. But I wasn't pining away over it. I didn't even have to pray for strength--although I should thank God for being there for me even when I didn't feel the need to ask him for help.

Cramps are still kicking my butt over here, but I'm drinking tons of water and continuing to take ibuprofen. I'm also using my trusty warm-up-in-the-microwave-bean-bag-thingie. I'll just be happy when Auntie Flo has left the residence.

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in and class since returning to the program. I feel good, I'm pretty sure I'm in ketosis and rocking the fat burn. I don't think there's anything else I could have done better, so I'm happy with what I've accomplished so far. Hopefully the scales will reflect that! And if not, they will eventually--I just have to stick to it.

GOOD THINGS: Carbs were very low today, water intake was still high, resisted the cheesecake, grocery shopped and meal planned for the week.

BAD THINGS: WTF was up with Paul and the cheesecake, yucky cramps, really need to get in those pesky veggies!

My favorite friend....umm, yeah.

I'm warning any male readers I have here.....the next few sentences will be menstrual cycle related. If you would like to bail now, please feel free. Otherwise, consider yourself warned.

My period arrived today. I have a love/hate relationship with "her." I love the fact that, right now anyway, it means there are no new babies on the way. On the other hand, I hate the pain/bloating/tiredness "she" brings. I haven't done much this weekend, and I can tie it directly to my stupid period.

GOOD THINGS: Period arrived, still drinking my water.

BAD THINGS: Period arrived and now I have cramps. Ick. Someone please give me a hot pad.

Redirecting my focus

Dinner for Paul and the boys was rough for me tonight. I had intended to eat with them, but they got distracted, I ate my vanilla pudding (the diet supplement), and a half-hour later, I was sitting at the dinner table, no food, watching Paul and the boys munch down on pasta and cheese sticks. Ugh. It was painful. I stopped just sitting idle though, and went and grabbed my Mom 2 Mom book. I closed my eyes and prayed, asking God to give me strength to get through the moment--to stay on task. It wasn't as hard as it will be down the road, but it was my first test and I passed. Thank you, God.

I've also made a decision regarding this go-around at New Directions. I'm not going to weigh myself daily (sometimes hourly--yes, I was a scales junkie) during the week. For some people, weighing in daily is a good strategy. For me, it just tends to frustrate me if the numbers don't go down. I've come to this conclusion. It's my job to work my program, to do it the way I know I can. It's New Directions' job to worry about the stats. Me = program. Them = stats. I like that. Because, let's face it, less to worry about is always a good thing!

GOOD THINGS: Water (100+ oz again), stayed away from temptation, elbow feels better with ibuprofen. Oh, and I think ketosis has arrived! My hunger was much less today!

BAD THINGS: I am freezing cold!!!!!

The perils of having a 40 pound 2-year old

Today was another good day. No cravings to report. I picked up Elijah last night and he jumped in my arms. I felt something snap in my elbow and today, I have swelling, pain, and limited range of motion. Ick. I'll give it a few days of heal time and see if it feels better. If not, I'll go into the doctor and get it checked out. For now, it's ibuprofen and ice. I love having my "little" guy, but my poor body will be grateful when he will walk where I want him to walk without having to have me carry him!

GOOD THINGS: 1) Still rocking the water. 128oz of straight water + 6oz Diet Dr. Pepper (it was a 12oz soda, but according to program rules, only 6oz count) + 8oz green tea = 142oz! Bring on the pee!!!!

BAD THINGS: 1) Stupid elbow. 2) More vegetables. I sort of slacked on that one today. I meant to eat some broccoli as a late-night snack, but didn't get around to it.

Day One

Today went well, but that's to be expected. It's never hard to start a program for me. The hard part comes two months in, three months in. I can go weeks on program to start--but that fall, when it happens, is a momentum killer. I struggle hard with getting back on track once I've fallen off. But, today was a good day. I'll celebrate the success of that. I'll build on that.

I was hungry today, but that's also to be expected. I tried to keep my snacking to a minimum and my calories low, but I'm sure I'll be able to drop at least 100 calories off my daily total once I reach ketosis. Ketosis = no more nasty hunger. I have no cravings to report today, but again, it's never at first that the cravings get to me. It's after I've "denied" myself something for a while. Then come my "justifications."

I just pray God give me the strength to make THIS time be THE time. I'm ready to live a better life by losing this weight.

GOOD THINGS TODAY: Massive amounts of water consumed (140oz)--go me!

BAD THINGS TODAY: Hunger. Really, I'm stretching with that one. Today was a good day. I was excited to get back on program.

The first step

I attended a restart appointment at the New Directions program today (the hospital program I was attending before I, umm, had my little 40-pound brain fart). I think I was more scared to attend that appointment than I was to give birth to my 12 pound baby boy. Going in, seeing that scale, was admitting failure. It was asking for help. It was, in effect, telling the nurse practitioner (Liz, who could very well be the coolest weight loss guru on the planet) that I totally messed this one up and I'm not the star pupil I thought I was back in the day. It's a pattern throughout my life. I love being the child/student who receives praise from the "teacher." I still call my parents to tell them the things I've done with my day just to receive their blessings and praise. Well, obviously, telling Liz I'd gained 40 pounds in 6 months, completely jacked up my once-under control blood pressure and cholesterol, was not what I had in mind. But anyways, mission accomplished. Liz was just happy to see me and didn't give me the 3rd degree about my obvious flaws.

My food has been purchased and Day One is tomorrow. I'm so ready to get this going, I don't even want "one last carb" dinner. I just want to do a good job.

Ironic

I actually created this blog nearly a year ago when I began a weight loss program through my local hospital. It was intended then to chronicle a weight loss journey that should have been complete by now. I attended the program for nearly 6 months and lost close to 40 pounds. I was well on my way to a healthier life. To be honest, I'm not sure why I quit going. I'm not sure why I spent the next 6 months gaining every last ounce of that 40 pounds back. Whatever the reason, I guess it doesn't matter now. What matters is I'm back. With a vengeance. While I can't promise myself (or anyone else, for that matter) that this time will be my LAST time, I can promise myself (and you, dear reader) THIS:

For today only, I'm going to wake up, lean on the Lord, and ask him for the strength I need to get through this day. This hour. This minute. This craving. And when the day is done, I will thank God for guiding me and helping me be the best person I can be--the person that will glorify Him in all things.

So, stay tuned. :)