Yeah, that's why I said I wasn't going to do that.

Piss. Crap, crap, and more piss.

I just got on my scales. Yes, I know, I said I wasn't going to weigh myself during the week. But I had a moment of weakness and just wanted to check my progress. I was hoping for great results seeing as how I'd felt like butt all week and had worked really hard to stay on program.

Nothing. Zip, nada. Haven't even lost an ounce this week.

WHAT.THE.HELL?!?!?!?!?

I'm not really sure why I'm letting this bother me. I've been on program 100% and that's all I have control over. I cannot control whether the scales move--I can only control what I can do in an attempt to make them move. I tell myself all of those things and yet I'm still completely annoyed with the number on my scale.

Time to give Paul the go-ahead to hide the darn thing.

Kicking old habits to the curb

I have this funky upset stomach, lethargy, and "blues" thing going on. I'm pretty sure it's all hormonal and that I probably need to touch bases with my OB/GYN, but whatever. Guess I'll bring it up at my annual.

Anyhow, this funky stomach/lethargy/depression thing has hit me in the middle of the month for the past 3 months now. I honestly think this is where I've gained most of my weight. The worse I feel, the more I don't want to cook at home. The more I don't want to cook at home, the more fast food we eat in the house. Well.....not anymore, damn it. I'm stopping that vicious cycle. I'm tired of taking the easy path by eating food that will only make me feel better for as long as it's it my mouth. As soon as that "food" (and I use that term liberally, because this is FAST FOOD we're talking about here) hits my guts, the "high" I had from it being in my mouth is gone. And I'm tired of having the Scarlett O'Hara "screw it, I'll deal with it tomorrow" attitude. Tomorrow is today. None of us are guaranteed another day on this Earth.

I'm winning these battles with myself right now and it feels good. I just have to keep doing it until new habits are formed! I'm hanging on, I'm powering through. Lord, please, lay your hand upon me. Help me to pull through these moments and be the best person I can be for your glory. Help me to be strong and courageous.

Weigh in #2!

Today was weigh-in day at New Directions. I was down 4.8 pounds for a total of 10 pounds since starting the program. My blood pressure was MUCH improved--132/74. I'll take that number any day of the week!

Obviously I'm really happy with all of those numbers. Just have to keep this party going!

Just 200 calories makes all the difference

I remember being told last year when I started New Directions that the program was designed to be 800-900 calories per day. Coming from a person who was probably eating 2500-3000 calories per day (just a guess), I thought I was going to die going down to that number. Okay, so not literally, but you get the picture. I was told that by reducing calories to 800-900 per day and carbohydrates to 40-50g per day (a ketogenic diet), I could expect to lose an average of 3-5 pounds per week. (Again, people, don't you dare try this without being under medical supervision--it's dangerous without being medically supervised.) I was also told that even 200 calories over the 800-900 per day could significantly reduce that weight loss rate.

Bless my lucky stars. That's not all that 200 calorie deficit does. My first goal for the week was to drop from the 1000 calories I've been eating daily down to the 800-900 the program calls for. And holy hell, I am STARVING today. I'm sure this is normal and everything will calm down after a few days, but yeah. Those 200 calories made all the difference. I'm not craving anything in particular right now, but I definitely have that uncomfortable "empty" feeling in my belly. I just keep telling myself that it's all worth it in the end. I'm strong. I can do this. I weigh in tomorrow. Lower numbers on that scale are worth all the sacrifice.

I feel like I'm in a reality TV show called "Extreme Dieting." This stuff is hard core.

Reflecting on the week

Resisting temptation. That's been my major accomplishment of this week. Paul and the boys have eaten all sorts of things this week that are off limits to me, and I've managed to stay away from ALL of them. Not even a nibble. I've been on program completely since the day I started--not wavering for even a second. Has it been hard? Oh yeah, and frankly, it's not getting any easier. It just is what it is. Maybe someday it will be easier, I don't know. One thing it is doing, however, is making me stronger in my resolve. With each time that passes that I conquer my cravings and desires, I grow more confident in knowing that I can do this. I AM doing it!

My goals for the upcoming week:

1) Get calories between 800-900 every day. That's what the program says, and I haven't quite made it there yet. How am I going to do this? PLAN AHEAD. If I have higher calorie snacks throughout the day, dinner gets a calorie reduction. It becomes a 200 calorie or less meal.

Supplement 1 = 200 calories
Snack 1 = 100 calories (appx)
Supplement 2= 200 calories
Snack 2 = 100 calories (appx)
Dinner = 200 calories (appx)
If needed, evening snack = veggies or sugar-free Jello.

Total = 800-900 calories.

2) Exercise at least 3x this coming week!

A summertime goal

Paul and the kids got take-out lunch today. It wasn't an unhealthy take-out lunch for any of them, it just wasn't a lunch I could eat. The boys were crazy hungry, we were on our way back from picking up the van (I had a minor encounter with our garage on January 11th), and I hadn't had a chance to make them lunch. Take out it was. As I was feeding them a few bites in the car to keep them calm, I was holding this pile of food that could have derailed my entire program. One "nibble" could have sent me spiraling into something major. But....it didn't. Even though I thought about it (and thought about it hard), I resisted. My goals are more important right now. And holy crap....that was hard. I was so hungry and totally could have made a bad decision. But....I didn't. And I'm proud. :)

Watching the Australian Open, I realized a goal I want to reach this summer. I want to get back on the tennis court. I want to be a decent weight so that I can move around the court and feel good about my level of play. I haven't been there for a while. Recently, any time I've gone out and played, I've been half-assing it. I can't run down balls the way I did when I weighed 100 pounds less, and I'm terrified I'm going to jack up my right knee (it's always given me trouble). But get 80 pounds off by the middle of the summer and oh yeah, I'll be ready to get out there competitively again. Eastlake Athletic Club in Elkhart has 3.5-4.0 leagues, even a traveling team. I would kill to be able to do that again.

That's it, settled. When I get this weight off, I'm joining the fall leagues at Eastlake.

Yep, it's getting harder.

Like I said, it's getting harder. The newness is wearing off, the cravings are setting in. I made the boys some biscuits this morning (a Samuel fav), and I think I could have eaten the whole package myself. Seriously. And I'm not even a biscuit person.

So, what did I do to cope? I called my mother. I prayed. Then I went to pick up Sam from preschool and with both kiddos in tow (a workout in itself), I went to Best Buy and bought a beginner yoga set and yoga DVD. We came home, the boys took a nap, and I did the "flow" section of the yoga DVD. I'm trying. Really, really, really, hard.

This might sound strange, but when I used to eat carbs, specifically gluten, I felt more "full." I now realize this "fullness" was an uncomfortable full and not what the normal person experiences after eating a meal. That being said, it was my "normal" and what I was used to. Now, as I've finished my supplements and meals, I've been satisfied, but no more. No fullness. The hard part? I actually long for that old "normal" again. Let me rephrase. My brain longs to feel that fullness again. My body is now doing what it's supposed to be doing, and is happier as a result. But my brain hasn't caught up with my body yet.

I'm fighting the good fight, God! Please keep giving me the strength I need!